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The honest truth (isn't the truth always honest?)

One of the many things I love about Matt is that he is honest and authentic. He knows he is not perfect, just forgiven. He doesn't act like he has it "all together" or that things are perfect. He doesn't just put on a smile and act like everything is fine. In his humility and vulnerability, God gets so much glory. He knows that everything IS fine because they are in God's hands, but he is also very aware and honest of the storm around him and sometimes in him. When he speaks to us at leadership meetings, he is the first to share his imperfections, his storms and even quicker to share God's faithfulness and sovereignty amidst it all. This glorifies God all the more as we get to truly see God's strength at work in and through Matt.

So I felt it necessary to write a blog about what is going on-the "storm" so to speak. I was going to just keep it private, but life is about the journey not the destination. I know that God will use this all for good and He will be glorified!!! So I went to my doctor on Monday and they found a lump on my lymph node. She sent me to a surgeon for a biopsy. I went to the surgeon the next day and he found that the lump was benign. I thought that would be the end of it, but this lead him to another red flag. So he is sending me to an endocrinologist on Monday. Now this may sound like a wild goose chase, but it is not. God's sovereignty is written all over this. His sovereignty reigns over everything. His ways are above my ways, so I am not questioning this process. I just know the Truth; He knows what I need and He knows how to meet my needs. Had I not gone to the first Dr. I would not have gone to the next which means I would not have been referred to the Endocrinologist. This is an answered prayer. You see I have not had a period for over three years. I have been to doctor after doctor, test after test...no one could understand why. Never was I referred to an Endo doctor though. I had kinda just given up...not in a hopeless kinda way, but in a surrender kinda way. Just knowing that I had done the footwork and trusting God for the rest. There is only so much I can do. I had taken right action...so I prayed. I've been asking Him for direction concerning this issue. That He would illumine the next step that I needed to take. He is doing for me, what I could not do for myself. I never would have thought to go to an Endo...nor did I even know what that was.

I have actually heard many stories similar to this, that someone had gone to the doctor for one issue and God used that to reveal something hidden/unknown to them...that maybe they never would have looked at or even thought about. He directs and plans each and every step we take...so meticulously. I am seeing God's hand in all of this. I had pushed my flight back for a completely different reason...a funeral. But now I am seeing so many other reasons that the Lord kept me here a little longer. He knew all of this was going to happen and that I would be in a safe place, with my family surrounding me in order to walk through this. The awesome part is that His peace is literally guarding my heart and mind like a soldier. The transcendent PEACE of God which surpasses all understanding. I am not scared, in fact quite the opposite. I am hopeful that He is revealing to me the answer and solution that I have been praying for. The doctor used terms that seem very dramatic to me. "Pituitary Insufficiency leading to Ovarian failure." Sounds so awful, but these are just semantics, terms...I have a God much bigger than all this. No matter the term, He holds every single day, every single breath I breathe in His hands. He is leading me to the answer so that I can take the next right action. I have to get up and walk, be His hands and feet...and then lay the rest at His feet. This will ALL be used for His glory and that's why I have such peace. Either way, I will be that much closer to an answer than I was before and that is an answered prayer! In gratitude and trust I wait. : ) Love you guys!!!!

I want to thank my friends and family for the amazing support, encouragement, love and prayers through all this! I have been feeling the power of your prayers, and your love!!! Thank you for coming alongside me through all of this. YOU are glorifying HIM and being His hands and feet!!!!

He wept.

Jesus wept-John 11:35. God wants us to feel our feelings. Jesus felt his. It is a gift to feel and to be present. : ) Be encouraged when you weep, when you laugh, when you mourn, grieve, love. Deep sadness makes room for deep gladness. We gotta feel it to heal it. As we feel it, He is healing it! It encourages me to know that Jesus wept even when he knew the outcome, he still wept. His hope and trust in God did not take his feelings away. He was deeply moved. Jesus' humanness is clear here. So is his compassion and empathy. He hurts with us and for us. He allows us and invited us to be open with our feelings. We can be honest and authentic before God.

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Rev. 21:4

Without the rain, there would be nor rainbow-Chesterton

"In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart" He searches, He intercedes, He KNOWS through and through. Be encouraged beloved!!

One of my favorite Brooke Fraser songs : )

This is a long one... : )

Friday and Saturday have been two of my favorite days of this whole trip back home. Friday night I was privileged to ring in the New Year with my family. We went to Grandma and Grandpa’s and had so much fun!!! The best part was singing a few songs with Grandpa and my mom. They both have beautiful voices. We all harmonized...we sang “Oh Holy Night” and Grandpa and I sang “I’ll be Home for Christmas.” It was such a special moment. You see I will sing to any and everyone that will listen. I crave it in my inner-most being. In fact I am known to get my friends in my car (which I call the musical spaceship-yes I coined the term) and we will worship. The musical spaceship consists of sharing some of my favorite worship songs as of late and then doing a few accapella songs for the Lord and whoever else wants to worship. I love love love this precious time that the Lord appoints. Those who know me and get my heart, understand how much I love this! There we are sitting in my car, trapped in the presence of God...together, united, unleashing my gift in a safe and sacred moment and space. I was telling mom last night how I want more. I want to do this more often. I just always want to be singing a song of praise to the Lord. Sometimes just between me and the Lord and other times with any listening ear. I do this...but I am craving more. It is passion. It is alive. He lights the fire in me!!!
So I went into Friday night with this in mind and in heart. I knew I wanted to share a song of praise with my family. I sat down on the carpet in my grandparents living room and quietly asked if I could sing a song to my family. They all gathered around the fireplace and lit up Christmas tree to listen. It felt like a movie : ) The scene was set by the Lord Himself. So I began worshipping Him. It was amazing! I looked up to see people’s eyes closed and some watching and listening intently. There is no wrong way to worship. All I know is that nothing else fulfills-the way that leading people in worship & into His presence-does. After that first song “Sovereign Hands,” I asked Grandpa and mom to join in with me on my favorite Christmas song...as requested by Grandma. She is so cute! She just loves hearing me and Grandpa sing together. I do too! It doesn’t happen often because Grandpa gets a little shy singing in front of others...he is very humble and modest about His gift. He knows it belongs to the Lord. We also sang the Lord’s prayer together...oh bummer! I totally just realized we should have sung the Lord’s prayer for the family on New Years Eve! Hahah I have these ah-ha moments in the midst of writing all the time...so I thought I would share it with you this time. :) We sang the Lord’s prayer for Grandma the day we decorated the house together a few weeks ago. I sang soprano, he sang bass. It was lovely! Maybe we will get a chance to do it tuesday night. We are going to dinner-all together-to celebrate my birthday before I fly back to Bama.
Sorry for the long tangent, I just couldn’t help myself. Saturday was wonderful too because I got more family time but also time with my church family here in Cali. My CCF ladies, my cousins and my mom and I all had a fun-filled day of girl bonding time. We went to breakfast and coffee and then shopping all day. There were some great NYE sales and we had gift-cards from Christmas burning holes in our pockets. I have never shopped so much in my life. Especially considering the last year of my life I have been living out on my own and have not shopped for myself at all...aside from groceries. Lol! So going from not even going near a mall, to a bunch a my favorite girls, in the mall all day, with a bunch of other crazy New Years day shoppers...it was intense to say the least. But oh so much fun!!!! Lot’s and lots of funny moments with my girls and great memories that I will cherish!!!