I am taking a big leap of faith here, sharing one of the most vulnerable and intimate parts of my heart. This entry was literally taken directly out of my prayer journal this morning. God has moved me to post it. I literally cried as I wrote this. It is very real and raw, but that glorifies God so I will trust and obey. Here goes:
It is a great honor when people pour their hearts out to me. It has been happening more than ever the passed three days. As people speak their truth to me it penetrates my heart so heavily. It carries great weight, as I know "To whom much is given, much is required." They are entrusting me with their vulnerability, essentially with their fragile heart for the time being. Really they are entrusting Jesus with their heart, not me. I am just His representative here on earth. It hits my heart so hard sometimes that I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I do not have the human ability to convey what is in my heart, as I listen to their heart cries. It is so overwhelming, what I feel deep in my heart toward that person, and what they are saying. The empathy. But words, not even actions, not even vocal tones or nonverbal language can convey my heart to any human. Only God knows what is going on in my heart. It is bursting at the seems. I need the Holy Spirit interpreting all the time, and yet still I am left speechless. I do not have enough energy or strength or even wisdom to try to interpret or convey my heart on my own...on the human level. I wish I could. It's too lofty...what is in my heart only the Lord knows, through and through. I don't even know or understand my heart that way that you do God. "The heart is deceitful above all else, for which there is no cure." "Search me Oh God and KNOW my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts" Psalm 139:25.
So I just sit listening, hanging onto every word as I am bursting from the inside out. Wanting so badly to be like Jesus, to show them that I really truly care. That my heart is breaking-what breaks His heart, breaks my heart. That I feel so deeply, that I listen so deeply. DO they know Lord how much I care? Do they know how deeply I feel and how deeply I listen? Surely the look on my face is not anywhere near displaying the deep resonation of my heart. With everything in me I feel you, your eyes looking at them through me, your heart beating for them inside my chest. Yet I cannot express this with words or even groans, for how am I to express YOU Lord? You are immeasurable and inexpressible, matchless in every way. I want them to feel you when they are near me, when they are pouring their hearts out to me do they feel you, do they see you shining forth like the dawn? It is so overwhelming Lord, to be a carrier of your Almighty presence. A carrier of your Holiness dwelling in this perishable jar of clay-earthly tent/body. Your Holy Spirit in me, His power flows through me like a lightning bolt coursing through my veins. I am to just let it go through me and not try to hold on to it, for no human could grasp it. As it flows through me sometimes I feel like a real conduit of your energy and love, and after it hits whoever you are targeting with your love, I lay there an empty shell. Needing restoration in you. Recharging. I must seek refuge in you for a time. This is what you want of me, your servant. To need to be constantly dependent on you and relying on you to re-strengthen me in my weakness. Then I know the power is coming from you and you alone.
So I will claim the prayer of St. Francis. It says to not seek to be heard but to hear, not to be understood but to understand, not to be loved but to love, not to get but to give. "swift to hear, slow to speak." John 1:19
"This is not the slowness of ignorance, emptiness, timidity or shame. But the slowness of wisdom born of dwelling quietly on the Lord and His thoughts."